You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
