She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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