every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
