i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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