i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
