The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
