i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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