i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
