you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
