if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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