If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Sext me about skeletons
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
