i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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