so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
