Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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