I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
