I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
