i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
What drink are we having for lunch?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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