Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
