And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
