no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
