Soap is not a condiment
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
