I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize