My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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