I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize