when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
