Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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