Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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