I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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