I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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