Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
