You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
