Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
