So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
