my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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