we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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