you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
