I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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