She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize