You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize