Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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