im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
