i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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