I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
