it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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