Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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