If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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