You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
