So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
