i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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