12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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