Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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