So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
