I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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