just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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