I haven't been this sober since birth.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
