So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize